I wish I was worth something. I wish I was good at something. Anything other than being good at wiping tables and filling ice machines.

Like, I want to be defined. You see people. "She's the good singer/soccer player/ funny/ clever/ smart/ witty, etc."

You see me, "Oh, she's the girl who works at that one place and wipes tables and fills ice and cleans other people's messes'.

Is that what I'm destined to do? Because it seems like A LOT of the time that's what I do. I clean up other people's messes when my life is already a huge mess. I don't know what I want with my life or what I want to do. I don't know what I'm good at. I'm not good at anything.

I wish I were the girl who got all the 'Oh my goodness you're beautiful' Myspace picture comments. Nope. Just 'aaw, you're cute.' or 'you have pretty EYES'. Never 'wow you're so pretty I'm jealous.'

I wish I could just walk down the hall or the mall or anywhere and have people think "wow, she's stunning'.

I really am mad for not being attractive. And even though I blame myself, I know it's not my fault. It's GOD'S fault for making me so ugly. I don't know why he did that. Ever since I was in kindergarten I would pray and ask 'Why did you make some girls prettier than others?'

I DREAD senior pictures. I hate having my picture taken. And these are like, pictures that stick with you the rest of your life. Like your baby pictures. Except, who cares if you were an ugly baby. Nobody. But in High School oh my gosh. If I have kids they're going to be embarassed. If I do. Ha. I have to find someone normal to date first.

I hate being used. I hate it so bad. I can't believe I let myself become so used. With Sam, oh my gosh. He used me and I feel like shit still because of what he did to me. There are no words to describe how badly he hurt me. How he used me for his own laughs and pleasures. How I didn't have a say. How I was just so STUPID and NAIVE. I think maybe it's because of him that I feel like trash. And with Jake. I was just so desperate for someone to truly feel something for me- - and not just want a girlfriend. Even though he still swears that he likes me. I know he didn't and doesn't, and never will.

I want someone to like ME. ME..the person I am. Not the fact that I am a person.  It's so annoying and degrading. I really honestly think that I am meant to be alone forever.

No one takes the time to ask me to dance at church dances, let alone ask me out on an actual DATE. All my dates have just been ways to get to an easy make- out session. It's just...I don't know how to say no when that comes up. I don't want to be mean-- - but it's weird. When I'm about to be raped by three drunk guys in Bath, I'm soo able to get them to back off.

I guess it's when I'm with people I trust.

 Gosh.

If I had one wish it would to ultimately be the most beautiful person inside and out. I want to glow, I want to radiate with beauty.

As if. I'm so sick of my life.

So, I tottaly second the whole Janis Ian song

I learned the truth at seventeen
that love was made for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
who married young and then retired...

DANG. Why is that so true? Don't us ugly girls deserve some lovin' too?

So last night on Facebook he gets on and tells me about how with my friend, he doesn't think he has a chance. She doesn't like him or anything. So he's 'moving on' to this other girl. This other girl is kind of weird, as in she texts him all the time and tells him that he should marry her. But I guess it also works that this girl is the typical gorgeous kind of person. You know, small, skinny, shiny and straightened blonde hair. Everything a guy could want.

And then he goes to tell me how he's sick of  being himself, and then being rejected. ANd how 'for good' he's going to just put on his tough guy show and no one is going to be able to know his true self, because no one cares and this girl wouldn't know the difference anyway. THANKS. It's not lke you've been telling me all of this, and it's not like I don't care. I definitely wouldn't reject him- - he doesn't know this. Should I be making this more obvious? I really don't want him to know because the chances are that he would puke at the thought of touching me. Even though on Friday night he said he would have liked to hang out more with 'you guys'...that's PLURAL. That means me AND my friend but he probably just did that because my friend was there...whatever. I hate this.

And it's not like he doesn't want to talk about his problem, because I'll say something off topic and he'll be like 'Way to change the subject'...when I wasn't meaning to and then he'll be like 'Anyways...let's talk about me again'.

I guess that's my place in life. The girl everyone sees through, the invisible person. The listener, the 'great girl'. The 'really good friend'.

Why?!! It's not really fair- - at all. I wish I had something to work with physicaly. I have big hips, no butt, big waist, big nose...I would gladly change some of that for some small.

Maybe God made me this ugly and repulsive so that the guy that I actually do turn out liking and likes me back, will like me for me and my personality and...yeah. As great as that actually is supposed to be- - it wouldn't hurt to be ATTRACTIVE. I think it's just some natural, female-driven desire. We went to be attractive. Not ugly. And when we're ugly it just sucks because that's what guys first look for...maybe I should try online dating? HA. No.

Why? This sucks so bad.

And if people are reading this, please let me know. Maybe you have some advice? Thanks lol.